1. |
Ya Do Ya Wanna Kill Me
00:40
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I don't sleep at night anymore. I just lay down in the dark. And obsess over how alone I am. And how it's because I'm so filthy and annoying. Do ya wanna kill me? It just kinda looks like you might. Do ya wanna kill me? Dude, it'd be alright. I've thought about suicide every day for like a year. I don't even know how this happened. I tried and I failed and ended up back here, I just want everything to end. Do ya wanna kill me? I promise, it's okay. Everyone wants to kill me, I can tell. So come on, dude, be a friend, kill me, whaddaya say?
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2. |
Smegma Man X
03:37
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Of course I'll never meet my wife. People don't even let me hold my own steak knife. I wish I understood why any time anyone likes me I feel like they've been tricked. I wish I'd never learned about all these revolutionary left-wing politics. Because I don't have the energy to believe in things now. I just don't think we can make a difference, now that I'm being honest put the pamphlets down, so we can kiss. All my long standing feelings about punk rock and communism and true love. Fuck it, bury 'em. Tell me they never existed until I'm really convinced and then keep me in a sanitarium so I can never make another human put up with my shit again. I never tried to be something I wasn't. I told you from the start I was selfish and creepy and unpleasant. Y'all were like "naw! it's endearing!" Well then you can fuck off 'cause what that really means is you were listening in and understanding this whole time when I've been screaming for help.
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3. |
I Can Learn To Be Okay
01:38
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I can learn to be okay with never doing anything right. And I can learn to be okay with being alone forever. And I can learn to be okay with never being sure if I'm really unhappy or just ungrateful. I can learn not to talk so much. I can learn to eat right. I can learn any basic entry level position. I can learn not to obsess over being attractive and likeable to women. I can learn not to multitask until my brain is mush. I can learn to spend less time at the computer. I can learn when I should tell myself to hush. I can learn how to be the type of person a reasonable respectful successful adult could trust. I can learn to stand up from the dirt where I crawl. I can learn to get through a whole day hardly thinking about suicide at all.
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4. |
How I'm Disintegrating
01:15
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Let me tell you how i'm disintegrating. It's really kind of interesting. The shocks come in waves. Hurting my flesh by reminding how badly I want a touch. But I don't know if I want kisses or cuts. I just want things to get better. How did I waste a whole year. Why the hell did I come back here? I want to lose some of this ugly weight and for it to be like high school, when it was fun to hate. Let me tell you how I'm disintegrating. Lately I'm back to wanting to drink. Hopefully it doesn't get worse. 'Cause when i get drunk my chest hurts.
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5. |
Girlfriend Song
02:16
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This is the girlfriend song. It sounds kind of like The Ramones. It's about a girl I saw on the bus. And now we're in love. And someday we're gonna kiss. And the girl I fell in love with. Doesn't actually exist. This is the girlfriend song. I wrote it just for her. She's a concept perfected in my mind. And since she only exists in my mind. I always know I'm treating her with respect. No matter how I imagine us having sex. Yeah, I fell in love, I bet she's an actress or an artist. I bet she'd love to share my sheetless, frameless mattress. This is the girlfriend song. Because I'm sensitive. And it means something to me. And hopefully after I've found a suitable body. I can license all my music about her because my whole reason for creating will be accomplished. And this special girlfriend song. Will be a favorite for retro adolescents. Who roll around in their loneliness. And write love songs in their room for a pretty girl they passed in less than a second. Who they invented a personality for, because they are romantics. A personality made entirely. Of conveniences and insecurities that they've projected.
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6. |
My New Body
03:49
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my new body will keep out any words you have to say. my new body will never let warm feelings be replaced. my new body has nothing to do with you. my new body. is a vessel for all the anger i don't have anymore, that you don't even deserve, but that i'd still like to take out on you. i want you to be horrified by how pathetic i seem. i want you to be dismayed and unsure when this became me. i want you to know how little it means for you to say i'm inconsiderate when you're so inconsistent about how you feel. do you have any idea what it's like to truly hate what you are. have you ever been scared for your life about what you are. i would rather be selfish than oblivious.
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7. |
HA HA
05:10
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Mom, it’s pretty hard to feel bad for drinking two of your stepdad’s beers. When you’re twenty-two and have been seriously contemplating suicide every day now for nearly a year. Don’t think everything you’ve done hasn’t been appreciated. I know me moving back has been a burden. But jesus christ, sometimes I just don’t care. And I know that’s horrible and selfish. If I knew how I’d fix it. ‘Cause more and more it seems like the longer I’m around anyone. I find reasons to replace them in my life with a vague hatred. Oh, trust me, it’s a blast. Constantly wanting to cry ‘cause you’re scared you may be becoming a sociopath. For the record, I don’t even have fun when I drink now. I don’t even feel numb from it anymore which was the whole point. Protip: anger, disappointment, and frustration can be expressed just as effectively without yelling. Yelling doesn’t make you seem scary, it just makes you sound stupid. Yeah, yeah, I get why you’d be disappointed and frustrated with me. I fucking am too, believe me. So, yes, I drank two of your husband’s beers. Because I was hoping it would help me sleep. And if he’s pissed about it then he’s a dick. It’s not my fault you married a redneck. You knew when you met him he was an alcoholic. So if you thought you’d make some grand point by making me feel guilty. Then congratulations because I’m sick with guilt literally all the time already. Ha ha, I don’t fucking care. Ha ha, I don’t fucking care. If you’re just gonna yell at me. Well then I just don’t care. I’ve been having a meltdown. For months before your eyes. And if you could talk to me again once like I’m not a psycho that might be nice. So you and your husband can stew over how mad you are. That once in awhile I sneak some beer. To alleviate the anxiety attacks. That honest to god come almost nightly and have me crying in my pillow. ‘Cause I know when I finally do get to sleep. It’ll just bring a bunch of degrading nightmares and memories. So yeah, yeah, okay. Get mad about your beer. I won’t drink it anymore. But I still don’t care.
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8. |
I'm the Dick
01:09
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if you are in any way sympathetic to the “plight” of George Zimmerman than I’m sorry, but your morals are bad and I see no reason to even try being your friend. And you don’t get a free pass for being unfunny, or mean, or ignorant, or just plain boring. Just ‘cause you’re my relative. I spent so much time hanging out with people I can’t stand. So before you ask why I’ve been spending so much time. In my room alone since I moved back home. Or at best chatting on the internet. Think about this pigfucker town and what there is to do for fun here. And then remember everything you know about me. So you don’t have to ask a stupid fucking question. I liked drinking ‘cause it got me all heart on sleeve. And irritable and rude and it was cathartic. But I’ve gotten good at this. I can just detach myself from all my issues. And all your conditioned “etiquette” shit. Plus, when you stay sober, you can do it while retaining enough wit to amuse yourself. And you’ll be so quiet no one will even notice. P.S. everyone needs to get away from me and eat some dog shit.
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9. |
Easter Weekend
03:04
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It’ll be five in two hours. Mom’ll get up for work. When she’s gone I’ll feel safe enough to leave my room. Do some laundry and take a shower. Then I’ll charge my phone and whine about bullshit for sixteen straight hours. Then I guess tonight I’m going over to my aunt’s. So that tomorrow we can go straight over to family easter. It’s on my dad’s side, so it should be fun. Everyone asking me insulting questions and thinking they’re being helpful by saying “Yep,” like Hank fucking Hill. And I’ll get to hear more veiled comments about athletes. Who my dad, uncle, and grandpa all agree are “undisciplined” which is a super cryptic, not at all transparent way of saying “I don’t wanna see successful black men on TV” Fuck this, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this. I never hurt anyone. Fuck this, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this. I never hurt anyone. I hardly even interact with anyone. And when I do I either just wanna make them laugh. Or I’m too embarrassed to make eye contact. So what the fuck is happening lately. With everyone getting so cranky? I’m a miserable, stupid loser fantasizing about death everyday. Yet some how I manage not to push it in other people's face. Or get angry at them just for being in my line of vision. It’ll be a fun easter. Everyone prodding me about going to school. It’ll be a fun easter. Everyone prodding me about learning to drive. It’ll be a fun easter. Wearing hoodies all week in the sun so relatives don’t see my scars. It’ll be a fun easter. It’ll be a hoot.
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10. |
Better than a Mess
01:03
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I still think about getting ahold of you sometimes, I confess. And I know that's pretty pathetic considering it's been a year since. Well, you know. I really am getting better I think, I'm starting to get motivated again. And if I work at it I can go a few whole days without getting depressed. I guess the simplest way to sum up my progress is that I'm no longer upset. And I know it doesn't sound the best. But at least it's honest. I don't think I'm sad about living alone anymore. People wear me out anyway. I can just ignore my loneliness and pursue my own interests. I bet I could do that my whole life and it'd probably be okay.
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11. |
Good Morning
00:19
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Good morning, I want to die! Good morning, I'm probably not gonna do anything with you today! Good morning, I took some of your Aderall without asking again! Good morning, I jacked off in your blanket while thinking of beautiful strangers so far away! Good morning, aren't you lucky to have me for a friend!
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12. |
Tell Them
02:40
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Tell them how you hate yourself again. It makes for good content. Tell them about how you're getting fat. Tell them about how you hate your dad for no reason. Tell them you think it's stupid when people like things. Look at Mr. Popularity. Fucking look at you, haha. You suck, you suck. Clever boy. You suck, you suck so hard. So excited for the new big city. So many new friends to make. And gradually infect with my parasitic self-hate. I wanna wanna wanna die. I feel like making out all the time. When you introduce yourself. Tell all of them right away. “Hi, I'm Brian and I wanna die. I feel like making out all the damn time!” Tell them.
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13. |
Gentrify My Heart
02:24
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I acknowledge I'm deserving of your hate so pile on the scorn. That shit makes it easier for me to masturbate than the steamiest amateur porn. I'm just losin' it. Just losin it. Losin' it, losin' it, losin' it. bump bump bump, those are the drums. Irresistible to human scum. The only relationship I want is with my art. I'm a husk of what I was, so just move on, and gentrify my heart. I'm just losin' it. Just losin it. Losin' it, losin' it, losin' it. I was walking on the sidewalk thinkin' 'bout killing myself because I look so ugly. I don't think anyone could tell what I was thinking. But I noticed they surrounded me, and. I'm just losin' it. Losin' it, losin' it, losin' it.
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14. |
Evilyn, Evilyn
01:12
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Evilyn, Evilyn. What am I gonna do?. I'm so far behind for twenty-two. I need your advice. 'Cause you're so nice and intelligent. Oh why can't you just run my life, Evilyn? Evilyn, I'm buried in debt. And it's been a year since I've had a girlfriend. I don't have any education or talent. Every single day I wish I was dead. And I know my stupidness is amusin' But I really need the solution. 'Cause I'm running out of excuses so if you don't feel any more confident than me, just pretend. 'Cause thinking about my future and realizing I'm a loser. Has got me cryin' in bed. Fuck it, I'll just watch Army Of Darkness again. Because I must be so pathetic. Every night on the internet askin' all kinds of pointless questions. And probably annoyin' Evilyn.
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15. |
Need to Shut Down
00:49
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I swear to God I hate you kids, but if the record company would pay me, I'd rig ale you with tales of every awful thing I did so you could have more fuel to masturbate with. I swear to god I'm overheating, I swear to god. I need to shut down, I need to burn, I'm overloaded with viruses that make me want to cry and kiss. I hate this, I hate this. For once, I'm being honest. I don't know what could happen that could make anything make sense. So I'll just flail about and my life will be a mess. I need to shut down, I'm overloaded with, viruses that make me want to cry and kiss.
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16. |
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I use people to get what I need and rationalize it with idealistic beliefs. I do what I can for others but I can't do shit. There never was anything good in me, but when you loved me I was convinced, that there could be. I'll never make enough money to be comfortable. I'll always be annoyed by my friends. Then bemoan my loneliness. I'm defined by my hypocrisy. There never was anything good in me.
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17. |
Bad Bri
00:42
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"look at the way he moves on stage, he's a punk poet full of righteous rage," I'll be idolized by teenagers and all the girls will fall to their knees and cry. "Look at bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bri." 'Cause in my mind I'm the best. In my mind I'm fabulous. In my mind I'm dangerous and I'm a success without having to try. In my mind I'm flawless and everyone is impressed when I talk about how I want to die. And it's not pathetic how I scribble stupid lyrics every time I want to cry. 'Cause I'm bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bri.
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18. |
Set on Fire
02:07
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The world is no place for me. Day after day I just feel bored. This world is no place for me. And I don't wanna be part of it no more. I'm laying on a mattress, wishin' I had someone to kiss, I'm drawing punk rock flyers just so I have something to set on fire. Don't you tell me there's something out there. It's nothing that I need to find. Maybe I'd look but I don't care. I'll just withdraw into my mind. I'm laying on a mattress, wishin I had someone to kiss, I'm drawing punk rock flyers just so I have something to set on fire.
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19. |
Vicodenamphet is Online
02:40
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Nothing is really better but I'm outta that town. The way this summer rain's fallin' down I've got reasonable hopes we'll drown. And I'm gonna chase tail all around Milwaukee. I'm gonna pump myself full of adderall and cover myself in new clothes so I can walk cocky. And there's a girl in Australia who lies and tells me I'm not a failure. And I wonder if that's what she really thinks but as long as she can calm me down when I wanna drink. I've got no idea what I'll do. Or how to make myself stable. But I'm taking all the time in the world berating myself and watching cable. The way this summer rain is falling down I've got reasonable hopes we'll drown.
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